Half Measures and the Prodigal Son

I vividly remember the early days of recovery, especially the first couple of weeks. At the beginning of each AA meeting, we would read from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous a portion of chapter 5 entitled "How It Works." We would read that "half measures availed us nothing." And I heard people say, "God is everything or He's nothing."

In the early days surrender seemed impossible. I reread Step Three in the AA version: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." I had a hunch of what God might require from me, and I certainly did not want to turn over my entire will and my whole life just to get sober from alcohol.

Now I can't get the Prodigal Son off my mind. He has what the Big Book describes as a "moment of clarity," or in the scriptural version, "He came to himself" (Luke 15: 17). But the idea of returning to his Father with "full purpose of heart," as a spiritually begotten son, not only seems difficult, but perhaps impossible (see 3 Nephi 18: 32). 

I began to plan out what I could do to graduate from AA and learn to control and manage my drinking. Perhaps I could be like the Prodigal Son and graduate from slave to servant. As the prodigal reasoned, "How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger!" So thought I, "How many others can drink and get away with it." Or, "How many others can manage their lives" (see Luke 15: 17). There had to be, as the Big Book describes, "an easier, softer way."

And so I took action, like others in a previous Lukan parable, to have myself excused from "eating bread in the kingdom of God" (Luke 14:15). Many were invited to sup with the Lord, but some had new ground to care for, some had just bought new oxen (or maybe a new car), so they sought to be excused at suppertime.

And there is the crux of the matter. By surrendering to God the greatest blessings of life and eternity are to be enjoyed. But after almost 26 years of sobriety from alcohol and drugs, I'm still "a great way off," and struggle to surrender entirely (see Luke 15:20). Sometimes I'm ashamed of my feeble attempts.

But the blessings I've experienced in the attempt are beyond my ability to express. The sweet joy of the Spirit is something I never thought possible. I'm always given more than I deserve. Trying to pay back my Heavenly Father is like trying to pay back my earthly father (and mother). I just get further behind.

Like the tender mercies I feel as I study the scriptures and ponder my blessings. And like the tender mercy I received this morning with just enough sunshine to complete my Saturday walk before the rain began.

When I feel and notice I'm too weak to surrender fully and feel like Nephi to exclaim, "Notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities" (2 Nephi 4:17).  

But He keeps inviting me back to sup with Him one more time.