Perhaps my first impressionable scripture in recovery was one I connected with after about two years of sobriety: "For the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray" (2 Nephi 32: 8). I remember how powerful and persuasive that voice was, and sometimes still is.
My AA sponsor said it was a simple program--90 meetings in 90 days, and don't drink between meetings, then after 90 days if you don't like it, we'll refund your misery. For two weeks I tried a "half measure." I went to meetings every day, but I couldn't stay sober between the meetings. Some of them were eight hours apart.
On July 31, 1989 I went home after my third Monday Night Beginners Meeting. I felt dejected. Going to meetings without working the Twelve Steps wasn't working. The Third Step I avoided like the plague: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." I stood at the turning point the Big Book talks about. I was considering getting out of AA and merely poisoning myself faster. That was Plan B.
I finally got home, went to my room, closed the door, and thought about actually praying to God. I hadn't offered a serious prayer in thirteen years. As I tried to get down on my knees, the enemy showed up with his rhetoric. "You can't pray to God after all the horrible things you've done. It's over for you. Even God can't help you now. Jesus won't understand. He was never an alcoholic." No, I didn't hear an actual voice, but the derision lasted the better part of an hour.
When I finally choked out a plea for help, it was amazing how short it actually was and how quickly I felt an overwhelming feeling of peace. At the time, I didn't understand either voice. I was more prone to listen to the former one. I got up off my knees and argued with the feeling of peace. How could that be after I had destroyed my life and everyone around me?
Today, I know where those voices come from. The evil spirit doesn't want you to taste of that sweet Spirit spoken of in the next chapter. How dare he rob me of recovery! "For when a man speaketh by the power of the Holy Ghost the power of the Holy Ghost carrieth it unto the hearts of the children of men" (2 Nephi 33: 1).
Today I feel that sweet Spirit as I pray, read and ponder the scriptures, listen to music, and stand in the presence of Christlike people who radiate goodness. I marvel that as I prayerfully search for answers, the Holy Ghost sends me a tailor-made message with a personalized answer. Often this is in the form of a scripture or a conference talk.
Today I thank Him every day for those Twelve Steps that used to intimidate me. I shudder to think that without that prayer for help over 27 years ago, I would not have my dear wife, my son and daughter. I would not live to see the day that my son would fulfill an honorable mission, and I would not be around to see what I saw last Friday as my dear daughter opened her mission call to Edmonton Canada. It all seems surreal after the life I came from.
Today I find myself thanking the Lord in heartfelt prayer for things that seemed impossible 27 years ago, and His Spirit fills my soul with gratitude.
No comments:
Post a Comment